Now to the reflection...
I've been thinking a lot lately about patience and what that means in terms of a chronic condition like mine. What brought this on? Well, partly thinking of intentions at yoga class, partly reading another blog post that was supposed to be about patience but wasn't, and partly because I have been reading "Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. If you have not read this book, you should. Finally, when I think about it doctors, physiotherapists and others are always telling me to have patience. But what do they mean? After almost two years I think I am beginning to understand.
Let's start by talking about what they don't mean. Patience in this case is not simply waiting quietly for an ultimate reward (like a kid who quietly sits on his hands and behaves in order to get an ice cream). There is no guaranteed ice cream or other outcome with a chronic condition. Passive patience like this will get me nowhere and is not helpful. There is no clear cause and effect - I can eat all the right things, do all of my exercises and take all of my medications as prescribed and still get weaker and have bad days. In a very large way the patience required of me is the ability to acknowledge this and be OK with it. It is the acceptance that the rewards that are meaningful come along the way and are often so small one will not recognise them at first.
Patience for me is understanding that the mind does not control the body and the body does not control the mind. For example, my mind tells my body to wiggle my toes every day and every day my body refuses to comply. However, my mind continues to try and, one day, if the body is ready, it may prevail. Patience is when my mind continues to make the best of my situation regardless of the state of my body. Patience has prevented me from falling into a 'pit of despair' and giving up the fight. Actually, giving up has never been an option for me. I'm just not capable of dwelling on the negative.
Patience is accepting the long game. It is the realisation that improvements will come slowly and that the end is unknown. It is taking time to reflect on and celebrate the little successes and improvements along the way. It is knowing that goals are not set in stone and need to be flexible. It is allowing timelines to fluctuate.
Patience is the strength to get up each day and face whatever the day brings. It is also the strength to endure setbacks and frustrations. It is knowing that there is no magic pill, vitamin or food. It is accepting that the doctors don't have all the answers but knowing they are trying. It is allowing treatments time to take effect. Patience is the ability to stop oneself from jumping to conclusions or giving up too quickly.
Patience means taking the time to look inside oneself and find meaning. This meaning is what one looks forward to - be it a person or activity. I look forward to going for long walks with Scott and Barney again (among other things). This is a kind of long-term goal or hope and it doesn't really matter if I actually get there or not - the important thing is having something to look forward to. (Thanks Frankl!)
Patience is understanding that things take time but can get better. It is learning that you alone must figure out how to live in your new reality. It is allowing yourself the time and space to figure this out. It is the ability to admit when help is needed or when additional changes are required. Don’t put off getting the ramp because you want to walk again – get what you need to live as fully as possible. Changes to lifestyle do not fundamentally change the person inside.
Finally, patience is attitude. This is a big one. Attitude can make all the difference in so many ways. I have maintained a fairly positive attitude throughout my ordeal and many people ask me how I do it. It is not the result of any conscious decision, it is simply how I am. I could be down and depressed and that would be perfectly understandable. But at the end of the day that will only make me miserable and drive away those close to me. I think ultimately it is patience that keeps my spirits up. I work hard – I stay informed about my condition, I stay as active as possible, I try to eat well, I keep a daily journal, I celebrate the little things. I guess that’s my secret. There have been bumps, there have been challenges, but such is life.
I think back to the words of my doctor – ‘you are going to need a lot of patience’ and they finally make sense. At first I thought he meant that I needed to wait quietly while the treatments kicked in and we figured out what the long-term picture would be. But I realise now that there is no definable long-term picture and that patience is required for so much more than a diagnosis. Patience is the strength and attitude required not to simply survive but to grow through one heck of a challenge.
So there you have it, a little (OK long) reflection for a Sunday night.
Namaste.
