Settle in while I tell you a little story about this week's misadventure. Before I begin I want to be clear that I think counseling is a valuable and important profession. I do not mean to scare anyone away from it or to imply that my experience is common or to be expected.
The story begins a week or so ago when, following months of procrastination, I decided to call the employee assistance program (EAP) and ask about counseling options. I figure it's probably a good idea given all I've been through this year. The person on the phone was friendly and explained that I could have sessions over the phone or arrange an in-person visit. I was feeling a little uncomfortable about the whole thing and liked the idea of not leaving home for yet another appointment, so opted for the phone. We set up a time and that was that.
My call came at the appointed day and time and I was greeted by 'Joe' (not his real name). He had a very mellow, new agey voice that immediately set off warning bells. But, I made this appointment and answered the call - I was committed. The next set of warning bells went off during his initial questions. His reaction to my age: "I'm surprised by that. You sound younger." Ummm. Ok? I didn't quite know how to take that one. I know it's a compliment when people tell me I look younger, but to sound younger on the phone? Just weird and not a little inappropriate. Joe and I were clearly not at the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
A little further into the introductory questions he asked about my medications. Fair enough question I figured, so I told him.
"What about vitamins and supplements?" He asked.
"Oh right, I'm on vitamin B12 and vitamin D. " I say.
"Oh, well you know you really should take a B complex for better absorption and a multivitamin. You should also look at omega 3."
What the heck!? Did I accidentally call the wrong number? Pretty sure I'm on the phone to assess and chat about my mental health and not my vitamin needs.
"Um, well I take what I take because my doctor prescribed it based on my blood work. I do try to eat well to make sure everything else is covered." Not that this is any of his business.
Next thing, he's telling me that while eating well is good, it is no longer enough because industrial farming has leached all the nutrients from the soil. Wow. Just wow. I did not pick up this bone. Nor did I tell him about my locavore tendencies or any of my many opinions about our food system. Those of you who know me are well aware that I can be pretty darn 'granola' and know I am hardly a big pharma/Monsanto loving gal. But this is not why I called and completely beside the point. I'm pretty sure Joe is not supposed to be countering doctor's orders.
Moving on. Joe and I go through a series of questions that were not particularly useful or insightful. At the end he tells me that I appear to be under stress. No shit! Thanks Joe, I hadn't realized... We get to the part I had been dreading:
"What do you want from this session?"
"Well," I say, "I really don't know. I am new to this and not sure how it works."
He says he'll take the lead and ask some questions of me. Fine, that sounds like a plan. He asks about my condition and I give him the Coles notes version. When I mentioned demylenated nerves he got all excited and started on about vitamins again! I kid you not. He told me to increase my vitamin D and started listing all kinds of other things I could take to help my nerves heal. Like this has been my problem. I just need more vitamins and I'll be out of this chair and no longer need biweekly infusions. Joe, where have you been my whole life?
To recap, Joe has now insinuated that I am immature, contradicted my doctor's treatment plan, and belittled the life-changing chronic disease that prompted me to call in the first place. Fantastic, so far counseling is grand.
We now move from the vitamin aisle into the world of self help as he asks "How do you relax?"
For some reason I am still trying to get something out of the session and keep doing my best to answer seriously. I told him I had a number of hobbies and that I do yoga every day. He got all excited at this. Though in a way I may have stolen a bit of his thunder because he couldn't make yoga his idea.
"How about affirmations?" He asked.
Silence. I had no response to that one.
"Your silence answers that. You should try adding affirmations to your yoga practice." Oh boy, here we go... I understand that affirmations help some people and can be a comfort. But they just don't do it for me. They make me think of that Friends episode where Chandler tries to stop smoking by listening to a tape that tells him, "you are a strong, confident woman...". But I digress.
He started rambling off a few of his favorite sayings. They were lame and trite and belong on a photo of a kitten or a sunset. At one point he said "When we think about our limits, we set our limits." By now all I could think of was a Family Guy episode where Brian (the dog) wrote a best selling self help book called 'Wish it. Want it. Do it.' I also got the sense that he was telling me I could affirm myself back to health. He didn't ever actually ask if I had a positive outlook on things or really ask how I was coping at all, now that I think about it.
By this part of the conversation I was totally checked out. He had moved on to rattling off the names of books and authors and the five stages of grief. Scott got home during the call and stuck a note under my nose telling me he could tell it was not going well based on my fairly standardized reply of "Um, ok". He quickly and quietly left to take the dog for a walk - smart man.
Our forty-five minutes eventually ran out and I told him I would think about making another appointment. He asked how I found the session and I lied and said fine. We hung up and I poured myself a large glass of wine while my mind replayed the insanity that just went on. I realized that I never asked Joe his credentials. I am curious about that now.
Scott got back and I told him what happened. We laughed. A lot. What else could we do? The following morning I called EAP and filed a complaint. There were just way too many inappropriate things in that call. I focused on the vitamin/medical advice part as that was well beyond the line. The person I spoke with was shocked and very thankful that I said something. I'm going to try an in-person session next time. Hopefully it will be more professional and a whole lot less creepy.
Until next time, namaste and be excellent to each other. (Words of wisdom from Bill and Ted).
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