CIDP and Me - Determination

This is not an update post. Somewhere along the line the blog changed focus from a combination of updates and reflections to updates only. This post goes back to its original spirit with some thoughts about determination. Enjoy!

Sometimes I really have tunnel vision and don’t pay enough attention to my surroundings. Now, don’t worry, I didn’t fall or hurt myself or anything like that, I just obliviously left my orthotist’s office last week without noticing the other person in the waiting room. Well, turns out that person was a nurse who knew me from my Harbourview (rehab) days. My orthotist could not tell me who it was (confidentiality and all that) but she did tell me that the person knew me and was blown away to see me up and about and ‘doing so well’. She told my orthotist that I was the most determined patient she had ever encountered. This comment made me a little verklempt and really touched me. Harbourview was a bit of a dark time for me and I don’t like to think about it too much these days. I was blindly determined to regain my strength and mobility and I guess it showed. You may recall that when I was discharged I was told by someone with little knowledge of my condition that he did not think I would walk again. I channelled my anger and resentment into even more stubborn determination and we all know how that worked out.

Now I’m not saying that my determination (read stubbornness) is the only reason I can now walk with only the support of leg braces inside and a cane outside, but I’m sure it helped. In a way this is a really good time to be reminded of the relentless little tiger I was not so long ago. Not that I’ve given up or even really become complacent, but the need to prove something to myself and everyone else is not quite as strong as it once was. I continue to work hard at physio and at home, but it’s different and I can’t quite put my finger on why. I suppose this is the logical progression of things. As we improve, we, well, imrpove and relax a little, there is less urgency. It becomes easier to skip a day or an exercise and that is a vicious cycle. I still have a lot to work on and a long way to go. I still hope to be able to walk my dog one day. I still hope to build up the stamina to prevent my physical limitations from defining what I can and cannot do. My focus has changed but my determination is still there, it just needs a little kick in the pants sometimes.

So, the next time I feel a little lazy and try to convince myself it’s OK to stay on the recliner instead of doing my exercises, I’m going to remember what that nurse said -- ‘Gwen was the most determined patient I have ever seen’. If that’s not enough encouragement to get me off my butt for 30 minutes a day, I don’t know what is! I need to remember my old self-motivation – if you don’t think you are up to it, do a set and see how you feel. If you stop after one set, you’ve at least done something, but more often than not it will feel so good, you will want to continue. Good advice, if I do say so myself.