Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes (Turn and Face the Strange)

This post may or may not be related to my journey with CIDP. It could just be a coming of age realization as the big 4-0 looms ever closer on the horizon. Or it could just be the rantings of a tired and slightly disgruntled consumer trying to 'keep it real' in the modern western world. Maybe it's a combination of all 3. Regardless, here is a little window into the inner workings of my mind these days. Be afraid, be very afraid!

I'll start by saying this: I am tired. I am physically tired and emotionally tired due to CIDP and the daily fight to regain my health, independence and mobility. I am  also spiritually and morally tired as I sit back and watch the world fall apart and go crazy. Trump, ISIS, racism, police violence, bigotry, the never-ending struggle for equal human rights for all regardless of gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, creed, etc, the corporatization and outright corruption of everything, the overwhelming greed and selfish attitudes of vast collections of people, the continued avoidance of environmental issues and concerns... You get the idea - people are terrible people and that upsets and exhausts me.

I have lived most of my life with a fairly strong inner ethic and belief system. I attended my first protest (in support of the Mohawk people in Oka, Quebec) in 1990 at the young age of 13 or 14. I remember getting in trouble when I wore my red armband to a visit with my grandparents and dared speak my mind about the situation. It was around this time that I became a vegetarian (along with the rest of my immediate family) and started wearing animal rights propaganda. I stopped wearing leather, buying products from known animal testers and all those other righteous acts committed by the young and newly passionate. I was probably a pretty big pain in everyone's ass, but I was determined to make a difference and go to sleep each night (in my comfortable suburban bed) with a clear conscience.

As time moved along I toned down a bit. I still lived a fairly ethic-based life but contradictions and hypocrisies slipped in here and there. I stopped being preachy and waged my own quiet revolution - 'be the change you want to see' was my motto. I carried Nalegene water bottles and insulated coffee mugs with me everywhere until we learned about BPA - then I carried stainless steel equivalents. I stopped using plastic for pretty much everything, I haven't owned a microwave in over a decade, I made my own laundry soap and cleaning products, I stopped shopping online to support local business, I insisted we not buy more than 10 items a week at a major grocery store for a year... The list goes on.

For over twenty-five years I have tried to make the world (or at least my world) a better place by my lifestyle choices. And for what? I'm not saying I'm going to throw it all away and jump on the mainstream bandwagon of consumerism, but have my choices really made an impact? Other than making me feel guilty for 'slipping up' and shopping at Walmart or going through the drive-thru at McDonald's? Perhaps they have in a small way. But in the end I remain a part of the problem. No matter what I do, I am a very privileged person in this world. I am white, educated, have a stable job and income and live a life that many would dream of. I can afford to make these choices despite the fact that they are out of reach for so many even within my own community.

Is this what happens with age? Does the passion and drive that fuels the young activist start to erode and decay as one principle after another is abandoned in favour of comfort and convenience? Is this what happened to the hippies in the 1980s? And is it necessarily a bad thing? Are we right to leave the trenches of the war to the next generation? Perhaps there is hope in the Occupy Movement and enthusiasm around the likes of Bernie Sanders. I hope so, but am feeling pretty pessimistic about it. As I said, I am tired.

What does it mean? I'm not sure. One thing that has happened (big confession time) is that I have started eating chicken. I know. Insane. I'm trying not to over-analyze or evaluate this (clearly not working out given this post) but the bottom line is that my body is craving protein and my number one priority right now is to listen to my body. I'm trying to be as local and ethical as possible about this, yet I have already broken all my rules and had Wendy's. Will I continue down the slippery, meaty slide to beef, pork, etc? Maybe, I'm not ruling anything out.

I still hold many of the convictions that make me the person I am. I will continue to support farmers markets and community businesses. I will still try to minimize my ecological footprint and think about the lives of people making my clothes before grabbing the cheapest yoga pants on the rack. My new code is just to live and be happy. Find a balance that allows me to enjoy some of the comforts and conveniences while being conscious of the consequences and sacrifices required to enable my lifestyle. I'm not going to feel guilty or worry about my quiet revolution as much. I'll leave that to the young and healthy.

Rant over.